How I became a busker (part eight)
A new life begins at 40
It seemed life was turning around for me. The haven of Dambrugge - the good company of Tom and Ken - potential romance with Char. But the breakthrough, within my mind, was achieved through Irit. Before leaving England I was 40 years old and feeling each year. Now I was 40 years old, yet growing younger each day. My lifestyle had radically changed and a different part of me was emerging from some vast inner sea. The new emergence burst through like an inner Oceanic volcano. The new 'me' was the powerful upsurge of lava from that volcano. It burst through the Ocean forming a mysterious island. This island augured an open opportunity for new growth, despite its initial, primitive entrance - an entrance built on calamity and destruction. 40 years were swept aside for new birth - 40 years that I could vaguely recall that saw me end up with nothing. Everything I once had was gone, swept away by the tumult of the eruption. What I carried with me into Europe was the stark remainder of 40 years, aside from one very, very important person that I loved so dearly.... my daughter. But, as sure as being lost, she was beyond my reach. The pain of this was hard to bear. But my emergence into Europe offered a new birth and a chance to discover a part of me that could, as a life task, be a required discovery for both the World and I. The children in Narnia, Alice in Wonderland, Thomas Covenant in the Land and a host of other stories about an ordinary life swept into the realms of an extraordinary world.... this could summarize the inner experience of the journey I was about to undertake.
Up until Irit my social contacts were courtesy of Scot, Tom or the extroversy of chance acquaintance. I had remained fairly introverted. Now my extroversy gradually increased as I accepted this new world as my reality. Slowly, though not overly consciously, I would move toward building my own social circles.... because I understood the motivation for such a thing. An important part of 'what we are' is the knowledge that there are those who care for 'what we are'. I had been catapulted into a new life... but this new life was worthless without self-value or without someone who wanted to know a little ABOUT my new life. Not someone in England who spares a few minutes on the phone, but someone here NOW...seeing me, hearing me NOW. I wanted someone who loved me enough to shed a tear if I slipped into the River Schelde and drowned. A selfish thing? No! It is self-value! Without this there is no valid existence and no aspiration. Irit had fired me to write a song through my disappointment with her, but it could only have occurred through my awareness I was valued by her in some way. Like a spark in the night, self value had briefly entered my life once more through Irit - inspiring a desire to do more than just exist. To regain that value I wrote my 'siren song' and it had an immediate effect. It stopped the frizzling away of self-value by directly aiding my introduction to Char. With my music and my social matters I faced two daunting mountains. But when ascending mountains you can rarely see the summit.... merely the edge or ridge that obscures the view of the ascent beyond. Perhaps this is best.... otherwise it might be decided it is too big a task to attempt. One more ridge is merely one more bridge.
Char - with her black, midnight hair...
It was too hot to play during the day and too hot for people to greatly desire to sit on terraces. Those who did would find it too hot to appreciate live music. Late evening was work time for the busker. This meant that Tom and I slept until mid-afternoon, or later, as a general routine. Then we would cook a healthy dinner and relax ourselves awake in the cool dining room. It seemed Dambrugge was the only place I'd been to, in Antwerp, that didn't surround me with humidity and heat. One we were relaxed and refreshed we would head out , around nine in the evening, to work.
In the Conscience Tom and I set up to play the terraces there. I was nervous because I had arranged to meet Char in this square.. and she was due to arrive any moment. That's if she DID plan to honour our early morning agreement to meet. I didn't really know her at all. For all I knew I may never see her again. I was desperately hoping she would come. At the same time I was desperately hoping she would not arrive while I was having a bum gig, so my nerves ensured I concentrated on my singing and performance. I was singing 'Nancy Spain'. It was going well and the energy from the audience felt good.... Char came spinning hurriedly into the Square with her black, midnight hair newly washed and vibrantly swelling around her semi-excited, semi-nervous face. Clearly she was contritious on being slightly late, but clearly she had viewed our meeting as an important event by the time she had evidently spent in preparation. My joy at her arrival was matched by my relief that I was performing and singing well... and by an inner confusion about what should happen next. Having lived in the same area of Southern England for the past forty years it could validly be claimed I was Culturally Closeted (CC). I expected people and situations to respond in a time honoured fashion. There was little in that experience to clue me up on what happens next in this situation.
I was in the situation where I needed to work.... and where I needed to progress this first date with Char. I had to try to achieve both without too much compromise on one or the other. On the one hand I risked annoying my duo partner... on the other I risked annoying and possibly losing Char. Would she be willing to follow me around while I worked. I half expected this, but I couldn't be sure.... and it gave me a shy feeling. In such a case I wanted her to hear me perform perfectly... with never an unappreciative audience to make me feel 'small'. As it turned out, Tom and I were able to continue playing terraces, while Char did a mixture of waiting or alarmingly disappearing for awhile. In between terrace sets I would seek to bridge the difficult mind link and play her love songs. While I sang to her our eyes drunk thirstily of each other and spoke in ways our minds were too primitive to comprehend. Thousands of people flooded the Cathedral and its environs with a party spirit that is part and parcel of Antwerp in mid Summer. It was exciting, but such a gem as Char could be lost to the crowd forever if I failed to win her desire to continue this somewhat chaotic first date and make sure of a second. As I played terrace sets with Tom I hoped Char wouldn't feel I'm neglecting her and poutily dismiss me from her life. The nervousness of this first date made it all too clear that a second date should be in a private environment, where meat can be put on to the bones of attraction.
The souls of Char and I dance
Char worked at the Zoo as a Summer job. The zoo was by Central Station - less than five minutes stroll from Dambrugge. Char suggested that she visit me the next day after work. This was far more amenable an idea than that first date. Suddenly everything clicked in. She could visit me after work at around five.... and when she left to go home, around nine, I could get to the task of playing terraces with Tom. As I retired to bed, after the testing experience of the first date, I could sleep, relaxed, in the knowledge that my new life was beginning to take shape -and that, after believing my life was over, I had a new dawn...and a new girlfriend.
Char would come, after work, to visit me. We would lose ourselves somewhere in each other's soul. I felt sure, on a root level, that we were in love within the first couple of days. Our souls had raced to this... before our mind, body and heart had had time to reason it all out. It almost seemed our souls already knew each other... long before we were confined into separate organic beings here on Earth....
OK! It's your stage, Cranky Brian! Shoot....
Do souls clarify their ethereal relationship by challenging it with the cold, hard tests of survival and its resultant influences on a mind and body that is largely unaware of its true existence in soul form? The survival instinct...as interpreted by mind, body and heart... may resist the impulses of soul, because the impulses remind us of a wonderful existence we have come from....one that, ultimately, we will return to. To be reminded may instil a wish for premature return... or a vehement, proprietary resistance by mind, body or heart of their territory. But people who arrive at a point where their lives appeared 'washed up' may loosen the confident hold of mind, body and heart - and open a keen awareness of their soul. With awareness of our true nature can come a re-opening of purpose that will re-fire meaning. It could enable the soul to remind mind, body and heart that there are tasks to be done - and that it knows what those tasks are... even though it could reveal only glimpses of what it sees to our barely comprehending mind, body and heart. Soul awareness and a new purpose creates a cocoon ... from which a new person emerges... with a new sense of identity. The survival instinct, which can be the most dominant feature of our lives, is modified and balanced by awareness that seeking to feed good energy to others should NOT be relegated by fear of survival.
...But any idea that this was a simple relationship, within my CC experience, would be swiftly dispelled.
It seemed life was turning around for me. The haven of Dambrugge - the good company of Tom and Ken - potential romance with Char. But the breakthrough, within my mind, was achieved through Irit. Before leaving England I was 40 years old and feeling each year. Now I was 40 years old, yet growing younger each day. My lifestyle had radically changed and a different part of me was emerging from some vast inner sea. The new emergence burst through like an inner Oceanic volcano. The new 'me' was the powerful upsurge of lava from that volcano. It burst through the Ocean forming a mysterious island. This island augured an open opportunity for new growth, despite its initial, primitive entrance - an entrance built on calamity and destruction. 40 years were swept aside for new birth - 40 years that I could vaguely recall that saw me end up with nothing. Everything I once had was gone, swept away by the tumult of the eruption. What I carried with me into Europe was the stark remainder of 40 years, aside from one very, very important person that I loved so dearly.... my daughter. But, as sure as being lost, she was beyond my reach. The pain of this was hard to bear. But my emergence into Europe offered a new birth and a chance to discover a part of me that could, as a life task, be a required discovery for both the World and I. The children in Narnia, Alice in Wonderland, Thomas Covenant in the Land and a host of other stories about an ordinary life swept into the realms of an extraordinary world.... this could summarize the inner experience of the journey I was about to undertake.
Up until Irit my social contacts were courtesy of Scot, Tom or the extroversy of chance acquaintance. I had remained fairly introverted. Now my extroversy gradually increased as I accepted this new world as my reality. Slowly, though not overly consciously, I would move toward building my own social circles.... because I understood the motivation for such a thing. An important part of 'what we are' is the knowledge that there are those who care for 'what we are'. I had been catapulted into a new life... but this new life was worthless without self-value or without someone who wanted to know a little ABOUT my new life. Not someone in England who spares a few minutes on the phone, but someone here NOW...seeing me, hearing me NOW. I wanted someone who loved me enough to shed a tear if I slipped into the River Schelde and drowned. A selfish thing? No! It is self-value! Without this there is no valid existence and no aspiration. Irit had fired me to write a song through my disappointment with her, but it could only have occurred through my awareness I was valued by her in some way. Like a spark in the night, self value had briefly entered my life once more through Irit - inspiring a desire to do more than just exist. To regain that value I wrote my 'siren song' and it had an immediate effect. It stopped the frizzling away of self-value by directly aiding my introduction to Char. With my music and my social matters I faced two daunting mountains. But when ascending mountains you can rarely see the summit.... merely the edge or ridge that obscures the view of the ascent beyond. Perhaps this is best.... otherwise it might be decided it is too big a task to attempt. One more ridge is merely one more bridge.
Char - with her black, midnight hair...
It was too hot to play during the day and too hot for people to greatly desire to sit on terraces. Those who did would find it too hot to appreciate live music. Late evening was work time for the busker. This meant that Tom and I slept until mid-afternoon, or later, as a general routine. Then we would cook a healthy dinner and relax ourselves awake in the cool dining room. It seemed Dambrugge was the only place I'd been to, in Antwerp, that didn't surround me with humidity and heat. One we were relaxed and refreshed we would head out , around nine in the evening, to work.
In the Conscience Tom and I set up to play the terraces there. I was nervous because I had arranged to meet Char in this square.. and she was due to arrive any moment. That's if she DID plan to honour our early morning agreement to meet. I didn't really know her at all. For all I knew I may never see her again. I was desperately hoping she would come. At the same time I was desperately hoping she would not arrive while I was having a bum gig, so my nerves ensured I concentrated on my singing and performance. I was singing 'Nancy Spain'. It was going well and the energy from the audience felt good.... Char came spinning hurriedly into the Square with her black, midnight hair newly washed and vibrantly swelling around her semi-excited, semi-nervous face. Clearly she was contritious on being slightly late, but clearly she had viewed our meeting as an important event by the time she had evidently spent in preparation. My joy at her arrival was matched by my relief that I was performing and singing well... and by an inner confusion about what should happen next. Having lived in the same area of Southern England for the past forty years it could validly be claimed I was Culturally Closeted (CC). I expected people and situations to respond in a time honoured fashion. There was little in that experience to clue me up on what happens next in this situation.
I was in the situation where I needed to work.... and where I needed to progress this first date with Char. I had to try to achieve both without too much compromise on one or the other. On the one hand I risked annoying my duo partner... on the other I risked annoying and possibly losing Char. Would she be willing to follow me around while I worked. I half expected this, but I couldn't be sure.... and it gave me a shy feeling. In such a case I wanted her to hear me perform perfectly... with never an unappreciative audience to make me feel 'small'. As it turned out, Tom and I were able to continue playing terraces, while Char did a mixture of waiting or alarmingly disappearing for awhile. In between terrace sets I would seek to bridge the difficult mind link and play her love songs. While I sang to her our eyes drunk thirstily of each other and spoke in ways our minds were too primitive to comprehend. Thousands of people flooded the Cathedral and its environs with a party spirit that is part and parcel of Antwerp in mid Summer. It was exciting, but such a gem as Char could be lost to the crowd forever if I failed to win her desire to continue this somewhat chaotic first date and make sure of a second. As I played terrace sets with Tom I hoped Char wouldn't feel I'm neglecting her and poutily dismiss me from her life. The nervousness of this first date made it all too clear that a second date should be in a private environment, where meat can be put on to the bones of attraction.
The souls of Char and I dance
Char worked at the Zoo as a Summer job. The zoo was by Central Station - less than five minutes stroll from Dambrugge. Char suggested that she visit me the next day after work. This was far more amenable an idea than that first date. Suddenly everything clicked in. She could visit me after work at around five.... and when she left to go home, around nine, I could get to the task of playing terraces with Tom. As I retired to bed, after the testing experience of the first date, I could sleep, relaxed, in the knowledge that my new life was beginning to take shape -and that, after believing my life was over, I had a new dawn...and a new girlfriend.
Char would come, after work, to visit me. We would lose ourselves somewhere in each other's soul. I felt sure, on a root level, that we were in love within the first couple of days. Our souls had raced to this... before our mind, body and heart had had time to reason it all out. It almost seemed our souls already knew each other... long before we were confined into separate organic beings here on Earth....
OK! It's your stage, Cranky Brian! Shoot....
Do souls clarify their ethereal relationship by challenging it with the cold, hard tests of survival and its resultant influences on a mind and body that is largely unaware of its true existence in soul form? The survival instinct...as interpreted by mind, body and heart... may resist the impulses of soul, because the impulses remind us of a wonderful existence we have come from....one that, ultimately, we will return to. To be reminded may instil a wish for premature return... or a vehement, proprietary resistance by mind, body or heart of their territory. But people who arrive at a point where their lives appeared 'washed up' may loosen the confident hold of mind, body and heart - and open a keen awareness of their soul. With awareness of our true nature can come a re-opening of purpose that will re-fire meaning. It could enable the soul to remind mind, body and heart that there are tasks to be done - and that it knows what those tasks are... even though it could reveal only glimpses of what it sees to our barely comprehending mind, body and heart. Soul awareness and a new purpose creates a cocoon ... from which a new person emerges... with a new sense of identity. The survival instinct, which can be the most dominant feature of our lives, is modified and balanced by awareness that seeking to feed good energy to others should NOT be relegated by fear of survival.
...But any idea that this was a simple relationship, within my CC experience, would be swiftly dispelled.
posted by Busker Brian at 1:36 PM
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